Mornings have cooled down, so after taking the girls to school today I unpacked more of his belongings stored in our garage. I was excited to find many of my belongings that I hadn't realized were missing this past year: a small portion of my teacup collection, some of my books (and the girls' books), and other various odds and ends. Most appreciated were the photographs, many of which I had donated from our collection of photo albums so he would have our family memories too. Officer uniforms that still covered hangers were hung up in my office closet...other uniforms are scattered on the floor awaiting their destination...laundry room (hesitant to wash away any of his scent), rubbermaid, or closet. I try not to romanticize his life, but this is a difficult feat because his love permeates every item I handle, breathe, cling to.
The most practical thing I discovered were a collection of CD's, which may contain information to aid in my role as executor of his will. I have been unable to access the hard drive in his CPU because of password protection, so I am hoping for backup files. I have to take care of this mess he left me. And as I do, I will work through the many stages of grief, one of which is guilt. I am not sure what the books say, but for me, guilt is a form of self-protection right now. It keeps the gutwrenching grief at a safe distance. I have a theory on guilt and how it relates to death. The following paragraphs will illustrate the meaning I give to the loss in my life.
Engrossed in a world of my own, I continue to struggle with the guilt of losing my sister and my daughter. As a survivor of suicide I have made some conclusions. Realistically, guilt is not reserved for those who have lost loved ones to suicide only. Death generally leads to a questioning of a survivor's role in the departed's life, whether due to a chronic illness, an accident, or a suicide. I struggled with guilt after my sister's suicide. The guilt was dramatically more intense after the suicide of my adopted daughter/sister's daughter. After all, a child is a parent's responsibility. One is trusted with that child, whether by natural birth or through adoption. I looked back and saw signs of depression that hadn't been realized before. I finally came to the place where I could tell myself, "I wish I had known then what I know now".
My stepfather was my first major loss. I feel guilt for this one too. Hostility had built up because it took him two years to die of lung cancer. Our home environment had been akin to a nursing home, complete with the smells and the sounds. Furthermore, I resented the attention my Mom gave my stepfather. In the end, I visited him at the VA hospital the day before he died, and I was rude to him. Horrible rebellious teenager! It has taken me many years to remember the good times with him and appreciate who he was in my life.
When my mother-in-law died of cancer on August 3, 2010, just days before husband's funeral was held, I felt guilty for not doing more to save her precious son from death. I loved his mother like she was my own mom, and it hurt to see her pain as her precious son had descended into the hell of alcoholism. I know that I in no way contributed to her death, but I felt (feel) like I caused her unnecessary pain by not being with her son in the end, and saving him.
Accidental Death due to Intoxication
And the big one, the catastrophic one, the mama of all guilt. My husband. I may be stuck on this for a while but I am given permission. God's grace allows me to work through the guilt and the "what ifs?" The "I should haves" and "I could haves" that accompany regret. This man is a part of me and forever will be. I cannot face the reality of what has happened most of the time. The "before" and the "after". Nights are the absolute worst. I put off going to bed as long as possible, for there the demons of guilt and nightmares await me.
One death I admit no guilt for. Is that bad? When my grandmother died in 2000 I had no feelings at all. I grew up very close to her, as my mother was distant and perhaps mentally ill. She had more influence than any other persons in my life, but my grandmother was controlling and manipulative. She induced guilt and shame in my family and myself and left me feeling like I was a "mistake". In the end, a year or so before her death, I had cut her off. No grandmother in my life anymore. She had groomed me in fear and breaking contact with her was healthy. No guilt, just relief. I am unsure where this fits into God's plan of grace and mercy...it is an action not of Him, but of my flesh for this I do know.
For now, I work through the existing pain of losing my love, and helping my daughters grieve for the loss of their earthly father.
